|
| I am finally awake.
There is no direction in this lifestyle. Floating, it cannot be successful in the long run.
It's friday, and I am robot. I pour over computers and books about
computers. Two hours. Data structures, vectors, and namespaces all
blur. Six hours. I must finish by tonight. I need to keep my
scholarship. Bugs, errors, it fails, I fail. Eight hours. I cannot
finish. Vince comes in and asks if I would like to compose for our show
on tuesday. I would love to. I have to get out. I didn't really make
any progress, I have no direction.
Synthesizer, drum machine, laptop, and a guitar with innumerable
effects. The music continues until three AM. We start on three songs
and I get frustrated. He can't stay focused, or maybe I am too narrow
minded. Processed vocals and spoken poetry. My violin player didn't
show. I'm tired and we have no direction. I crash on vinces couch.
Sleep feels so good, I am almost floating.
I wake up to the buzzing in my pocket. It's liz. Elizabeth. Lizzie. She
wants to hang out. We grab our bikes and ride off campus, down a bike
path that runs along wolf creek. We get to the rope swing. After
figuring out how to get the rope to the shore I prepare to take the
first leap. She offers to go first, she has a desire to lead. I wonder
if that would cause problems in a future relationship. I take off my
polo. There is no tension or awkwardness. She seems so innocent. We
both swing in twice. I don't care about the rest. We swim. No, we
didn't get anywhere actually, I guess we just floated.
As I lay dying concert that night. I got shoved around a lot. I am
little. I do not exercise. I think I am stronger than I am. I fought
luke young sunday night and he won. I am still in a lot of pain, I feel
like my shoulder got dislocated.
I stayed up all night sunday with liz and we held hands for the first
time. I saw her at dinner the next day and she ignored me. There is no
direction in this, only floating.
I slept 16 hours monday night. I have finals. I am going to get C's. I
am going to lose my scholarship. My parents are going to be mad. I am
going to have to pay 9,000 dollars for this little weekend. What is the
point? What did I get out of it? I had no direction I made no fucking
progress. I just float around from activity to activity and from
relationship to relationship. How can I compete with these kids. I
cannot stay focused, I cannot succeed in this place.
I'm sinking.
| | |
| Snow is the perfect acompanyment to terror. He's wearing canvas black shoes with rubber souls. The black is stained white from the salt picked up from the slush and water on the sidewalks. Feeling is impossible because of the horrible circulation in his feet. He's scared, considering they went numb at least half an hour ago. In retrospect, he gets it from his father. He gets everything from the father. Snow keeps falling. In the air, it's so soft and weak and thin. It just adds up and starts to ruin everything. When you don't take care of it it starts to get in the way of you living life. He is numb up to his knees. Awkwardly he stumbles along the path of lamposts. A lampost falls behind a bush and creates a stunning mental image with the snow flying all around. He snaps a few pictures. As he reviews them his face falls. They didn't turn out like he hoped. They rarely turn out the way you would hope. Black ice, he falls. He is terrified, not by the fact that he can't get up no matter how hard we wills his limbs to do so, but by the fact that he doesn't really remember who he is. It's not from the fall. In fact, he never knew. He really has no distict identity or place on this planet. He has accomplished nothing and has low hopes for the future. The snow still falls gently. It is so quiet and yet so dangerous, like an introverted boy turning into a man who has no character. | | |
| It is universally known, and yet commonly ignored, that everyone who is born will eventually die.
Even more uncommon is the questioning of this fact. Why do we die? Your mind processes this for a moment and responds, "Well the human body breaks down, it isn't made to last forever. It becomes weaker and weaker and exponentially more susceptible to sickness or heart failure." Probe deeper. Why does it break down? Why can't we live forever? It is here that viewpoints split.
I believe that man was originally created to live forever, and that the introduction of sin into the world through Adam's choice introduced not only a spiritual degradation into the world, but also a physical one. If we did not live in a fallen world, our physical bodies would last forever.
Now this is a fascinating concept for me, and I love hypothesizing about alternative lives to the one I am living. If a man were living in an unfallen world, and he was subjected to an unnatural death, say, getting stuck by lighting, how would he continue to live out his eternal life? This is just my own opinion, but I believe he would be resurrected. Death would, by the law of God, have no ability to bind him.
So, I am going to be audacious enough to expand this idea to fiction. I want to develop a short story based on this topic. Say, a traditional hero emobodied in a non-traditional form. Hopefully, I can eventually expand it to a short film. This could just be a creative stub, but I will let you in on any developments.
| | |
| Beauty unappreciated isn't beauty.
In the same way that music, unheard, is simply noise.
The very perception of beauty from the outside is what creates it.
I want to live my life creating beauty, by piercieving it to exist in places where many fail to see it.
I must show people what they are missing.
I will show them you are beautiful. | | |
|
